There are four lights!
Today, I keep thinking about the Next Generation episode called Chain of Command. In that Start Trek episode, Picard is taken prisoner and tortured. His captors use many means of torture, to try and get him to divulge the Federation’s plans. His captor, Madred, shines four very bright lights at Picard and asks him how many lights he sees. Picard answers “I see four lights.” Madred inflicts tremendous pain on Picard and tells him there are five lights. This scenario keeps happening, shining the four lights, Picard answering he sees four, Madred inflicting increasing pain on him and demanding that there are in fact five lights. This is television, so of course there is resolve and a “happy ending” and Picard is freedom from his prisoners. Upon being freed, Picard looks at Madred and screams, “THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS” in a guttural cry and is then taken away and given back to the Federation authorities who save him. The episode ends, with Picard having a discussion with the ships counselor (therapist), and he admits to her, Counselor Troi, that he had been saved with not a moment to spare, he was so worn down and broken, that he was at the point of giving in and telling Madred he saw five lights, and admits that by the end, he actually BELIEVED he could see five lights.
This episode has stuck with me for a long time. The episode aired in 1992, and I have never forgotten it. I was the kind of kid that was reading The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank when I was in fifth grade. I devoured concentration camp survivor stories throughout middle school. As am empathic person by nature I was astounded at the cruelty humans had inflicted upon other humans. I couldn’t comprehend how one human, could see another human as subhuman. I couldn’t make it make sense.
As I read those books, I would attempt to recreate the conditions for myself. So when I was reading Anne’s diary, I would eat what she described eating (potatoes, cabbage, etc.) I would limit myself to the small amounts I imagined her getting (which in hindsight I was probably overly generous in how much I thought she was getting.) I tried to be as quiet as I could, just like she had to be during the day. I remember the terror I felt for her, the first time I read it and the intruder broke into the warehouse at night.
Now I am sitting in my home, thirst plus years later, recovering from a hysterectomy surgery and avoiding the news mostly. Why? Because Trump was just sworn in today for his second term as president. His first “official” act, was to declare that my country only recognizes two sexes, male and female. Within hours of his swearing in, his buddy Elon Musk, who will have an office in the WHITE HOUSE gave the Nazi salute not once, not twice, but three times during a pathetic grandstanding speech. This white, spoiled rich boy from South Africa, openly gave a white supremacist gesture on day one.
It was immediately followed up with claims that we didn’t see what we saw. CNN says it was an “odd looking salute.” And so it begins. Gaslighting. Denial. Distraction. Newsweek Opinion Editor, Batya Under-Sargon said, “This is a man with Aspergers exhuberantly throwing his heart to the crowd”, and said Musk is “a friend to the Jews.” Uhm, no. There are still FOUR FUCKING LIGHTS people.
One thing I knew about myself when I was a young girl, reading the accounts of the Holocaust, was that I would never just “let it happen”. I wouldn’t be one of the silent ones. I wouldn’t betray my friends and neighbors. I am very proud and adamant when I say, I am STILL that person. That little girl is still in my heart, and she is kicking and screaming right now. There is no way she would ever let me be complicit in letting another Nazi regime occur without a fight.
We need to be actively preparing for the worse case scenario, while holding hope for the best outcome. Do I want to be wrong about how bad I think this is going to get? Abso-fucking-lutely! Nothing would make me happier than being totally wrong about this. I am also going to prepare for the worst. I have gotten a print subscription to my local newspaper, because the fake shutdown and saving of TikTok by Trump (ha!) is just him telling us that he is in control of our online option for free speech. I am starting up this blog again as a way to express my dissent and resistance - that others may hopefully find it and know THEY aren’t alone in their dissent and resistance.
There are many other things I want to do, including beginning to foster community with others, in person, not just online that also want to be resisters. I want those in the most marginalized groups to know that they are not going to be left alone and abandoned.
I also want to keep making happy, and smile inducing art. While I wish I had it in me to make world changing political art, I just don’t feel that is the avenue for me. At least night right now. Right now, I want to keep making cute animal art that makes people smile and feel warm and fuzzy. Because without those feelings, it’s easy to slip into hopelessness and despair. I want to be Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings, he’s there to support Frodo, to help him on his journey, a true and devout friend who loves and cares for him and for all of Middle Earth.
When Frodo is losing hope, and the ring is weighing him down, Sam says to Frodo, ““It's like the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn't want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it'll shine out the clearer. I know now folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going because they were holding on to something. That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for.”